The Garden of Elder Care

Green lush summer is upon us. But, even as we sit in the shade of the backyard a few yellow leaves fall. A reminder.
We bask in the shade. The alley is hot. My car is impossible to sit in, but the back yard provides solace, shade and rest. It is Shabbat.
I lay on the little couch and doze as my parents sit across from me. My dad reads from the Grapes of Wrath. The New Yorker, Time magazine and various cups are strewn across the table.

Suddenly a little kitty runs by and up a tree as our neighbors poodle chases after it. Up the tree looking scared. Dad looks up and then gives me his commentary about old age. That he feels he is up there on some limb, with no way down. It is refreshing to hear his commentary about old age...and then he says nothing. My mother worries about her anxieties and then asks big questions about life, death and her unresolved Jewish questions.
I hear an opera singer nearby... singing and singing an aria. It could be me singing that aria...the one sung by a daughter as she passionately looks after her parents as they fall into the throes of old age.. Her aria is sweet and deep...but what can she say as the yellow leaves fall and time moves on.

The Sleepover

Last summer my parents came and stayed overnight. Here they are asleep...dreaming away........

Emily and Jim An Introduction

My mother Emily was born in 1921. She has two birthday's, but that is a long story We will just spiral back in time to Vienna, March 25, 1921. She was born into a family that lived in upper class circles. Her father Hugo was with the American Embassy. Her mother Ann dressed well, dressed Emily well entertained beautifully and loved the opera Tosca. As my mother notes,they did not have religion, they had oper!! Her brother Bill was born nine years later. He went onto become a doctor. Every week they went to the opera. They had maids. My mother spoke German and English at home.She is still fluent in German and french as well. Her mother's hidden Jewish past remained veiled and unknown. What feelings did my grandmother have as they all witnessed the Anschluss in 1938. ( The Nazi takeover of Vienna) Later a Nazi flag flew from their balcony.Last year my mother and her brother selfpublsihed a memoir about that experience. My mother had many travels and much education. She met my dad much later in California when she stopped by to say good bye to a friend. Later they married. It was a second marriage for both of them.

My dad Jim grew up on a farm in East Texas, not far from Jacksonville.He picked cotton as a child and worked hard on the farm. His father started out as a farmer, but then got the call to preach and became a Southern Baptist preacher. Hell fire and brimstone. His brother Dan went on to become a Baptist missionary in Spain. His sister Anecia told him stories from the movies, igniting a life long love of movies. She sang "Red Sails in the Sunset" as they picked cotton.
My mother's parents were dead before I was born so I know them only through distant photos and stories from my mother. Thus our train trips to visit my father's parents in Texas are filled with vivid emotional images, smells, sights and the stern vision of my grandfather yelling from the pulpit" Are you saved by the blood of the lamb?" He was later obsessed with Jacob. My grandmother Inez was a blessed patient soul. She was afflicted with rheumatoid arthritis and yet carried on with a myriad of household chores and cooking. I can still remember her cornbread, black eyed peas, fried chicken and peach cobbler. I can still see their simple house on north 27th street with the big field all around it that my grandfather sowed with corn, beans, peas and okra.

This is the brief background to my parents lives. They have been married 57 years.I see them just about everyday. There are all kinds of ways to caretake a person.Sometimes it takes the form of telling their story, or preserving a memory.

I took this photo earlier this evening at the beach.

The Caregiver's Triathalon

"Service to others without expectation is the purest form of compassion."

It is important to be in good shape the day of the Care giver's Triathlon. Make sure that you have spent hours in the presence of your elders, or those you care take so that you know what to expect the actual day of the Triathlon.

Schedule for the Care giver's Triathlon Day

1) Field several anxious desperate phone calls from one's mother. Respond with kindness, patience, more patience and a sense of calm. Try to sound loving, even if you are totally exasperated. Remember, you have been training for this all your life, and she gave you life.

2) Get dressed. Drink coffee, but no breakfast yet because it is time for the Yoga class. This is something you do for yourself to stay fit and centered.

3) Field more anxious phone calls from your mother. Check voice mail and see about the anxious phone calls you have missed.

4) Make phone calls to places that are practical and will help your parents.

5) Go for a swim. This is an important self care part of the Triathalon. Swim vigorously for 40 minutes.

6) Eat a good lunch. Half a tuna salad sandwich, salad and small mocha frappuchino.

7) Drive frenetically across town to see your anxious mother.

8) Hold her hand and listen to her.

9) Take into account your other family member needs. Assist your father in however he needs help.

10) Look carefully at your brother's paintings. Give constructive praise and criticism as needed.

11) Eat supper with your family, even if it is not what you would like to eat. Be grateful that they have food to put on the table.

12) Light the shabbat candles and give thanks for the week that has passed.

How to take One's Elderly Parent's To The Beach: A Sandy Memoir...................

How to take your Elderly Parents to the Beach.........a sandy memoir

Step One

Loll around in the shade of their backyard at home, wondering if really should leave the shade and travel in the hot car to the beach.

Step Two
Cajole Dad to leave, as he sits inside in the living room.

Step Three
Settle family argument that breaks out between Mom and Dad.

Step Four
Change into swimsuit discreely in walk in closet downstairs.

Step Five
Pile swim bags in car with towel, sunscreen, little hat to wear in the water, beach sandals.

Step Six
Worry about where parents will sit at the beach. Will they find shade?

Step Seven
Assist parents getting into the car.

Step Eight
Drive down shady streets, thinking of the best beach to go to and will my parents find easy access getting out of the car and to the beach.

Step Nine
Spot two perfectly good plastic chairs by someone's dumpster. Stop car, throw chairs in back of car. Proceed to beach.

Step Ten
Find Good parking spot. Assist parents getting out of the car.

Step Eleven Run ahead and place plastic chairs in the shade.

Step Twelve
Help parents into chairs, adjust their sitting positions as needed so that they are completely in the shade.

Step Thirteen
Take off glasses, watch, earrings and outer clothes. Put on little pink swimming hat. Get ready to go into the water.

Step Fourteen
Reassure mother that you won't be long.

Step Fifteen
Realize that mother complains and is never satisfied.

Step Sixteen
Realize that mother wants more than you can ever give.

Step Seventeen
Realize and feel all this and go get into the water anyway.

Step Eighteen
Slowly get into the water as usual. Swim back and forth and feel good.
Feel better and better.

Step Nineteen
Flip your mermaid's tail and plunge underwater into the deeper places where
memory resides. Go down deep and emerge, recalling how pleasant it was long ago when you spent your childhood summer afternoons at the beach with your siblings and your mother.

Step Twenty
Recall as you swim along like a lyrical mermaid now, how timeless and pleasant those afternoons were and how they are now as well.

Step Twenty one
Recall how there is a painting somewhere in your basement that you painted of your mother at the beach... remember to take a digial photo of it sometime so you can add it to your blog.

Step Twenty two
Enjoy the waves, the velvety water, the way the lake feels as you swim along.. Feel relaxed and happy. Without cares.

Step Twenty three
Look up to see your little 89 year old mother waving her hands to you from the beach. Time to go in.. leave the water slowly, releasing your memories with a swish of your mermaid's tail.

Step Twenty four
Find sandals on the beach. Walk on the sand up to your parents. Grab towel and sit in the sun drying off.

Step Twenty five
Capture this moment. Grab your paper, paint and pen. Draw it, paint it, feel it.
Here it is this moment with your parents at the beach.

Step Twenty six
Repeat steps eleven through seven in reverse order.

Step Twenty seven
Cast one last look at the beach...longingly, knowingly...soothingly...knowing you will be back as soon as you can...G-d willing.